letters to you

“Whoever abandoned you in the middle of the ocean has no right to know what the sharks did to you or how you made it to the shore.”

i wrote a book about you once. i almost sent it to you and changed my mind. there is a lot of pain in these pages and it's mine. it's the only thing of you that i have to hold on to. now i'm the one leaving. i've given you so many pieces of me to hold on to if you miss me and i think you will. i think you love me. i think this will hurt you. maybe i'm wrong. i won't ever know for sure. you won't tell me.

i'm not sending you the book, but i will share parts of it with you here.

Part 1 immediately after breaking up “i actually cannot fucking stand this goddamn feeling. if we had this crazy inexplicable connection that we both could not ignore how could the severing of it be anything but visceral and agonal? i didn't choose this so why do i feel like the only thing I can do is submerge myself in it? There is nothing i want to do. no place i want to be. i can't eat or sleep. i simply exist. ....... i wonder at the fairness of having to be the one who puts all of this to rest when i was not the one who pulled the trigger. it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened to me. so many memories left to me... so many memories i have to carry with me until i finally leave this place and we are all released into the cosmos.
.............. how can your absence be such a heavy weight on me? how does the pressure of nothing steal my breath and cause my chest to burn? god, i love you so much. ........ when i read through our old messages i saw very early on when i told you i was falling in love with you. what did you think i fucking meant? have you not ever been in love before? did you think i was lying? ........ i wonder what it's like for cherry . i'm not exactly sure how she became the one to sit beside me on this shit fucking journey. i barely knew her the first time i showed up crying. she has seen me cry every day i've gotten online since then. she reminds me of my mom. sweet, soft unassuming voice. if anyone else other than me knows how i'm feeling its her. ...... i honestly wish this hadn't all happened. I was okay with not knowing how it felt to be picked only to get dumped two days later. i was okay not knowing how any of this felt. it kind of sucks. ...... i miss you so much. i miss everything about you. i miss the sound of your breath and hearing about your day. your voice steady and soothing as you tell me all of the things that matter to you. what a foolishly girly notion to think i might have been in your arms for the rest of my life. i wonder what its like to be loved in the same way that i have loved you. probably terrifying, possibly wonderful. ....... blah blah blah when will this dumb shit end? I DON'T WANT TO MISS YOU ANYMORE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ............ i'm already so tired of this. it's been more than three weeks. i wish i could do it. i'm so tired of missing you. i wish i could just choose myself over you. i can't. i don't fucking want to.”

to be contd.

part 2

“today you agreed to walk away at my request. thank you. now i can focus on dealing with the loss of you. i wish you could have stayed. i dont know why you feel so conflicted. ........ i really don't understand the conflict you faced. why was it so hard for you to walk away. it was your choice to end things with me. why should i have to be the one who walks away? i wish you'd fucking come back. you always always came. you're the only one who ever came for me. it surprised me every single time for the longest time. seriously no one ever did that. goddamnit i love you so much for that. so many things i love you for. i don't think i can ever actually love someone like this again...not the way that i love you. i started writing a story.... its about us, trapped in a dream. it doesn't end the way i wish it would end. so it's probably fitting ........... i honestly wish i could just forget you. i'm sorry i made you walk away like that but you have to lose me too. it's what you wanted. we both have to sit in this loss. i'm sorry. ......... literally spent my whole life never knowing what it meant to have someone come look for me when i leave a space... never having someone check on me... never caring enough to pull me out of my darkest places. Never one time i swear on my kids lives. So how come i am struggling so hard with the fact that you aren't? Why the fuck is it so difficult to accept something that only existed briefly in all my years? why did you even do that? i don't know what you were looking for when you came after me but how many times before you realized it didn't exist in me? why continue? i really hate so much that you were feeling like you had to force yourself to love me. that's such an awful situation to be in. i don't know why you would think i wanted anything like that. that would be horrible. to be honest the night we were in the art loft when you did the shrooms and i didn't i kind of felt like some of the things you were saying weren't like you loved me but more like i was a good enough choice. almost like you didn't think you'd meet anyone who met your criteria better so you might as well. ........ I hope you find her. i hope she's nothing like me. i hope she's everything you never imagined she would be. i hope she loves everything about her and i hope she lights a fire inside of you. i hope you guys make each other better every day and that you would do anything to make it work with her. i hope you're best friends and i hope she can help you make your dreams come true and i hope you have beautiful children. i hope you live a long and happy life. you deserve that.

i'm not doing this again, i don't even think i'm capable of this. it's exhausting and painful and i don't want to. i don't even know if i'll ever not miss you. i still don't do much, but sometimes i go to the places we've been. i collect the memories like lightning bugs i capture and put in a jar. i sit with them until the light goes dark and then i bury them. i know now that this was not a great experience for you but for me it was so much different. you literally changed my life.... you changed something inside of me that i can't explain. it is so painful to know that these beautiful moments which created such joy for me made you feel anything other than that. god, you're going to hate this book. nothing but me rambling on and on saying the same shit over and over again (a super common trait of autistic/adhd people) and something you hate about me. I just want to talk to you. i try to talk to other people but i don't want to be around them. everyone is so unbelievably the same in that none of them are you. no matter what they do or say they can never be anything more than not you. no pleasure in socializing without you. i can't paint anymore..... i just get angry at the brush, the canvas, my stupid shitty fucking hands. most of the time is just stand in my room (sometimes i sit) and don't do anything. even my mind is quiet. i just stare blankly...not really moving, not thinking about a whole lot. sometimes i think about dying and how its going to feel, sometimes i feel a random pain shooting down my arm from my neck and i think this will be it, sometimes i'm so scared and i wish i could be with you so bad. i feel like you're the only thing that made me feel like i belonged here. so weird that the absence of something i never had before can feel so profound. i feel stupidly lost and forlorn without you. i want you to fucking miss me. i want you to need me. god how i wish you needed me too. i long for you to come back and make me feel like i'm a part of this place. so fucking foolish to sit here all of these weeks later as if you would ever feel like the sun wont touch your skin ever again just because i'm not with you anymore. i have to remind myself at times like this of the things you said...

“if im bored and i see you on i know it can always be a fun night.”

“what if i don't want to learn about your condition anymore?”

“how about i just ignore you for the next 2 weeks”

“ i tried to break up with you but you keep coming back”

“it's nice to hear from someone sometimes”

“i don't have favorite people to hang out with. i just go down the list.”

“i think its harder to force yourself to love someone cuz i dont fully have a choice in this either”

“just an fyi if you want to continue asking these questions i will just get more rude and mean”

“im gona start ignorring most shit you type unless its legit important” ..................... i wish it had been real. i can't pluck the memory of you from my mind. always aware of where i am and what i'm doing but not in a creep way. always coming to me and meeting me at my evel. your stupid smiling face in the cute little costume. your stupid giant smile and the way you kept hugging me and smiling up at me. these stupid fucking memories rip my heart apart i swear to god i feel like i'll never make it. i honestly think this is going to do me in sometimes. if it does i hope you don't feel bad. you probably will never even know anyway. will this fucking end soon? i feel like the darkness is going to swallow me like a gigantic whale coming up from below me. i have nowhere to escape to. i hope i survive. i also hope i don't. ....... “it's deeply depressing for me to try to remove someone from my life permanently.” could you stop referring to me like i'm some sort of random?

we can talk about that quote another time or maybe never. i'm trying to get ready for my day. my ability to sleep and my sleep schedule is so impaired and beyond fucked. i've reached a point where i'm okay if i can catch a few hours once every two days. anything above that is almost impossible. i'm no longer the young woman i once was. it seems like the more i want to get back to normal the further i drift from it. ........... i wish you'd go to the doctor for fucks sake. even though you don't love me or want to be with me i feel like i couldn't possibly live here if you aren't on this planet please don't take your health for granted please ...........

to be contd.

part 3 ************** i hope i finish this before we end this for good. this is going to be the last gift i can give you and i'm going to need to focus on getting through this once i go and i think that's where this is headed. i've been trying to talk to you about this for several days and you will talk about anything but the actual issues. this is really so sad. back to the book******************************

“pretty sure i spend more time writing to you here than i ever did talking to you. i really loved listening to you talk. maybe i could be your bestie. nah that wouldn't work long term. much prefer losing you because you don't like me than losing you to a new girl because eventually that is a thing that would happen. is better to get this part out of the way now instead of prolonging it .......... i wonder what it's like to smell me...to feel something that i pressed against my skin on your own face and then to throw me away. i wonder where my hoodie even is.... a chair, the laundry, under the bed somewhere? i wonder what it's like to walk away from me. i've walked away from more people than i can count and i wonder if any of them ever wondered the same. i think it had to be relief.... like a sigh or even a deep gulping breathe like a drowning man who was pulled from the water in the nick of time. i didn't want to date when i met you. i don't trust myself to choose people that are good for me. i have never found anyone who was capable or willing to love me. you are so much different than anyone i've ever known. i was really hopeful and it's so disappointing to know that i haven't made any progress. i wonder why you didn't want to walk away even though you want me out of your life. you didn't say that but its true. i don't believe it when you say you don't love me. ............ okay. you called me annoying tonight which is just probably true. all at once i realized how exhausting all of this is and i feel like i dont want to actually do this anymore. you're confusing on purpose maybe. i don't know. ............ i saw you tonight god, i love you so fucking much. ............ i wonder if you even miss me. i think you probably don't since you didn't send a single message when i was in jail. noe even a word. i just wrote you a super long message on discord. you'll probably be pissed. cool thing is that i don't really care anymore. get pissed. it's mot like it's going to change your feelings. i'm already fucked in that regard. i it's not like you can ignore me any harder. i can't wait until i'm all the fucking way over you. i thought i was doing pretty good until i saw your fucking name online and i wanted to run as far and fast as possible. it used to be such a good feeling but now it's heavy, and painful , and feels like panic. i miss you so goddamn much i can't stand it. ............ maybe i will get over all of this soon. i wonder what it will be like if i end up not liking you. i wonder if i'll hate you even. i sure do miss you. ............ why did you even feel like you needed to force yourself to have feelings for me? what the fuck? and why the fuck are you sitting in my lap right now? i don't know what the hell is going on with you ever. you are so fucking confusing all of the time. this is 100% you. i have been totally and completely appropriate with you in every way. you've even actually been mean to me a little. i should probably go. i'm not trying to get all into this shit again knowing in advance that you don't have feelings for me. like i'm not that retarded. okay yes i am. i cannot stand myself. i would let you use the fuck out of me”

to be contd.

part 4

“super rude of you to stand so close to me and look at me that way. rude of you to have to audacity to look for me in a room. rude of you to scold me for believing shit that you also believe. do you think you're the first ever person who thought they wanted me and who changed their mind once they got me? why would just sit here and say a bunch of nice crap and think that it holds any weight whatsoever in the shadows of everything else you've said recently? i don't know. you don't make a whole lot of sense and you keep blaming it on me. i wish you wouldnt get so fucking close to my face. i feel like i can't breathe or think. i think i'm going to be sick. god i love you so much. fuck you. just fuck you. ............. what the actual fuck are we doing here? what am i... i don't know. i don't think i will ever give this to you unless we break up for real or i die. it's so fucking messy and I repeat myself alot and you hate to read in general but especially the shit i type and did i mention that i repeat myself at least 46 times? i'm looking at you across the room and i have no idea what you think. maybe i'm just seriously dumb as fuck. it's probably me. i fell like i'm always an issue everywhere i go. a thing in the room that people tiptoe around or try to avoid altogether. like i make everyone uncomfortable without even doing anything and people low key wish i wasn't there. ............ really wish i had been born normal or to a slightly normal family or even just one kind of normal parent or had one single consistent normal person in my life or someone had held me as a baby or hugged me as a child. id be someone totally different today. ........... i wonder why it feels like we have all this chemistry but it's really just all in my head. i wonder if i'm losing my mind. i think it would freak you out to know how much i talk to you here. even when i'm with you i'm writing in this book. i really feel a whole lot for you and it's annoying to me too for sure ............. You knoW WHAT? 90% of the time when i'm being self deprecating it's a matter of fact. you really have some nerve getting so mad at me when you yourself can't stand to be around me too much, you ignore me like it's second nature, you hate me messages, and you aren't even worried when i'm gone for over a week. It's like this with every single person. everyone likes me in the beginning. i'm impulsive, fun, curious, hyperfocused on the person, a flurry of activity and learning about each other and late nights and so many good times. it's amazing and then it becomes exhausting because unfortunately that is who the fuck i am all the time...no fronting. and the more attached we get the more difficult it all gets. i'm broken and its the kind of broken that crushes anyone that tries to support it's weight. it's the kind of broken that will take everything you love about me and shoot them into your eyes and ears like darts until you start visibly cringing when you hear my voice or i walk into a room. i've been through this so many times....i've never not been through it...even with my own parents ffs .............. how the fuck is the only thing we seem to do anymore to fight? ............... i think you do in fact love me. or maybe i'm just a fucking dumb ass. maybe its only when youre drinking or when you're not drinking. i don't know. i think that has to be the reason you won't let me go. i think it's why you're mean and distant for no reason. i think it activates your fight or flight mode and then you panic. and as soon as i leave you alone you engage with me immediately. ............. god this hurts like hell. i hate fighting with you and i hate being with you and i hate not being with you. i can't stop looking at the picture you took of us last night. ............. i showed ecchy the picture and told him what was going on. he said i should talk to you. i was going to until you yeeted me. nah.... not now ....... this morning i am feeling like i'm ready to start letting go of you. its been so many weeks since we broke up and i'm finally feeling better a little bit. god i can't believe i feel this way about you. how the hell could i have such strong feelings so fast?

part 5

“Like you were sending me breakup songs very early in the second wave of dating, I didn't ask you to be there. I had already moved the fuck on bro. i was seeing someone else, i had already gone through my sad crying over you fucking nights. it's okay though. actually it's not okay. you knew before you broke up with me that you were not even into me and you still allowed me to further develop and deepen my feelings for you. well fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you. i'm so pissed at you for being so careless with my feelings. when you said “i love you” you knew it wasn't true. ............ do you know how stupid i feel. all that time i thought we were having these intimate like moments and you weren't even looking at me... you were doing shit in your browser and reading manga the whole time. i felt so unbelievably dumb and embarassed when i found that out. those moments were fundamental building blocks of the relationship for me and they weren't even real. i don't suppose any of that matters anymore ................. and having empathy for people involves treating them in a way that's best for them. if you treat people based on how it makes you feel it's definitely not empathy based .............. once i knew you didn't have feelings for me anymore why did you decide to lie about it, refuse to answer me for five days, and only come around to drink and avoid me? was it your plan to trigger a spiral or did the idea develop over those days? I find it so unsexy when a person can't take responsibility for their behavior and even more so when they are duplicitous and shift blame to the technically wronged party.
........... and you. i didn't want to rush into a committed and close long term relationship with a 29 year old in canada so you can fuck off on that one. ESPECIALLY the second time around. i find it hard to believe that someone who knows me and is supposed to care about me could just ignore me for three fucking days without feeling anything yet here we are again, night after night. .............. i feel like this is where i should end this book. i also feel like i should just toss it in a fire somewhere. you don't care about any of this even if i'm dead you probably won't read it and i don't care anymore. turns out i don't need you. there was a time when i wanted you to want me so bad. the pain in my chest was unbearable bro. it literally almost killed me. and you're just cooling. like this is 100% a rachel issue. “you have to eat vegetables” TF? i eat tf out of vegetables. ........... and fuck you. i do still miss you goddamnit. if you asked me to stay the night i don't know if i could go. i am still so disappointed. not so much mad anymore, but definitely disappointed. ........... i don't believe you when you say you don't have the same feelings for me. there is a lie here somewhere. i just don't know what it is. it doesn't really matter anymore. in the end you didn't actually choose me after all. you're the first person i ever thought for sure would have. ......... i don't guess any of this matters anymore. im just writing to get it all out of my brain but it never fucking goes anywhere really. how the fuck do i unlove you?

final thoughts....

i feel like i should add at this time that i know that you don't love me or feel anything significant for me. i can think of a hundred reasons why you would come back to me that have nothing to do with emotions the time period in those journal excerpts are from november to december of last year and that was a really difficult time for me. alot was happening and i didn't handle it well. this time will be better.

it's going to be better but it won't be easy. it can't be easy.... because i never lied to you and everything i expressed toward you was genuine. in one of those entries i wondered what it was like to be loved the way i loved you and it must, to a degree, be a very good and comforting feeling. it would have to be to cloud your judgement. it suppose it's the same with the feeling i got from loving you and being in your presence. it absolutely made me fucking stupid. being away from you is painful and so sad and i think alot of that is my mind clearing up. i hate seeing things i should have seen before. i hate being here.