part 2
“today you agreed to walk away at my request. thank you. now i can focus on dealing with the loss of you. i wish you could have stayed. i dont know why you feel so conflicted. ........ i really don't understand the conflict you faced. why was it so hard for you to walk away. it was your choice to end things with me. why should i have to be the one who walks away? i wish you'd fucking come back. you always always came. you're the only one who ever came for me. it surprised me every single time for the longest time. seriously no one ever did that. goddamnit i love you so much for that. so many things i love you for. i don't think i can ever actually love someone like this again...not the way that i love you. i started writing a story.... its about us, trapped in a dream. it doesn't end the way i wish it would end. so it's probably fitting ........... i honestly wish i could just forget you. i'm sorry i made you walk away like that but you have to lose me too. it's what you wanted. we both have to sit in this loss. i'm sorry. ......... literally spent my whole life never knowing what it meant to have someone come look for me when i leave a space... never having someone check on me... never caring enough to pull me out of my darkest places. Never one time i swear on my kids lives. So how come i am struggling so hard with the fact that you aren't? Why the fuck is it so difficult to accept something that only existed briefly in all my years? why did you even do that? i don't know what you were looking for when you came after me but how many times before you realized it didn't exist in me? why continue? i really hate so much that you were feeling like you had to force yourself to love me. that's such an awful situation to be in. i don't know why you would think i wanted anything like that. that would be horrible. to be honest the night we were in the art loft when you did the shrooms and i didn't i kind of felt like some of the things you were saying weren't like you loved me but more like i was a good enough choice. almost like you didn't think you'd meet anyone who met your criteria better so you might as well. ........ I hope you find her. i hope she's nothing like me. i hope she's everything you never imagined she would be. i hope she loves everything about her and i hope she lights a fire inside of you. i hope you guys make each other better every day and that you would do anything to make it work with her. i hope you're best friends and i hope she can help you make your dreams come true and i hope you have beautiful children. i hope you live a long and happy life. you deserve that.
i'm not doing this again, i don't even think i'm capable of this. it's exhausting and painful and i don't want to. i don't even know if i'll ever not miss you. i still don't do much, but sometimes i go to the places we've been. i collect the memories like lightning bugs i capture and put in a jar. i sit with them until the light goes dark and then i bury them. i know now that this was not a great experience for you but for me it was so much different. you literally changed my life.... you changed something inside of me that i can't explain. it is so painful to know that these beautiful moments which created such joy for me made you feel anything other than that. god, you're going to hate this book. nothing but me rambling on and on saying the same shit over and over again (a super common trait of autistic/adhd people) and something you hate about me. I just want to talk to you. i try to talk to other people but i don't want to be around them. everyone is so unbelievably the same in that none of them are you. no matter what they do or say they can never be anything more than not you. no pleasure in socializing without you. i can't paint anymore..... i just get angry at the brush, the canvas, my stupid shitty fucking hands. most of the time is just stand in my room (sometimes i sit) and don't do anything. even my mind is quiet. i just stare blankly...not really moving, not thinking about a whole lot. sometimes i think about dying and how its going to feel, sometimes i feel a random pain shooting down my arm from my neck and i think this will be it, sometimes i'm so scared and i wish i could be with you so bad. i feel like you're the only thing that made me feel like i belonged here. so weird that the absence of something i never had before can feel so profound. i feel stupidly lost and forlorn without you. i want you to fucking miss me. i want you to need me. god how i wish you needed me too. i long for you to come back and make me feel like i'm a part of this place. so fucking foolish to sit here all of these weeks later as if you would ever feel like the sun wont touch your skin ever again just because i'm not with you anymore. i have to remind myself at times like this of the things you said...
“if im bored and i see you on i know it can always be a fun night.”
“what if i don't want to learn about your condition anymore?”
“how about i just ignore you for the next 2 weeks”
“ i tried to break up with you but you keep coming back”
“it's nice to hear from someone sometimes”
“i don't have favorite people to hang out with. i just go down the list.”
“i think its harder to force yourself to love someone cuz i dont fully have a choice in this either”
“just an fyi if you want to continue asking these questions i will just get more rude and mean”
“im gona start ignorring most shit you type unless its legit important” ..................... i wish it had been real. i can't pluck the memory of you from my mind. always aware of where i am and what i'm doing but not in a creep way. always coming to me and meeting me at my evel. your stupid smiling face in the cute little costume. your stupid giant smile and the way you kept hugging me and smiling up at me. these stupid fucking memories rip my heart apart i swear to god i feel like i'll never make it. i honestly think this is going to do me in sometimes. if it does i hope you don't feel bad. you probably will never even know anyway. will this fucking end soon? i feel like the darkness is going to swallow me like a gigantic whale coming up from below me. i have nowhere to escape to. i hope i survive. i also hope i don't. ....... “it's deeply depressing for me to try to remove someone from my life permanently.” could you stop referring to me like i'm some sort of random?
we can talk about that quote another time or maybe never. i'm trying to get ready for my day. my ability to sleep and my sleep schedule is so impaired and beyond fucked. i've reached a point where i'm okay if i can catch a few hours once every two days. anything above that is almost impossible. i'm no longer the young woman i once was. it seems like the more i want to get back to normal the further i drift from it. ........... i wish you'd go to the doctor for fucks sake. even though you don't love me or want to be with me i feel like i couldn't possibly live here if you aren't on this planet please don't take your health for granted please ...........
to be contd.