part 3 ************** i hope i finish this before we end this for good. this is going to be the last gift i can give you and i'm going to need to focus on getting through this once i go and i think that's where this is headed. i've been trying to talk to you about this for several days and you will talk about anything but the actual issues. this is really so sad. back to the book******************************
“pretty sure i spend more time writing to you here than i ever did talking to you. i really loved listening to you talk. maybe i could be your bestie. nah that wouldn't work long term. much prefer losing you because you don't like me than losing you to a new girl because eventually that is a thing that would happen. is better to get this part out of the way now instead of prolonging it .......... i wonder what it's like to smell me...to feel something that i pressed against my skin on your own face and then to throw me away. i wonder where my hoodie even is.... a chair, the laundry, under the bed somewhere? i wonder what it's like to walk away from me. i've walked away from more people than i can count and i wonder if any of them ever wondered the same. i think it had to be relief.... like a sigh or even a deep gulping breathe like a drowning man who was pulled from the water in the nick of time. i didn't want to date when i met you. i don't trust myself to choose people that are good for me. i have never found anyone who was capable or willing to love me. you are so much different than anyone i've ever known. i was really hopeful and it's so disappointing to know that i haven't made any progress. i wonder why you didn't want to walk away even though you want me out of your life. you didn't say that but its true. i don't believe it when you say you don't love me. ............ okay. you called me annoying tonight which is just probably true. all at once i realized how exhausting all of this is and i feel like i dont want to actually do this anymore. you're confusing on purpose maybe. i don't know. ............ i saw you tonight god, i love you so fucking much. ............ i wonder if you even miss me. i think you probably don't since you didn't send a single message when i was in jail. noe even a word. i just wrote you a super long message on discord. you'll probably be pissed. cool thing is that i don't really care anymore. get pissed. it's mot like it's going to change your feelings. i'm already fucked in that regard. i it's not like you can ignore me any harder. i can't wait until i'm all the fucking way over you. i thought i was doing pretty good until i saw your fucking name online and i wanted to run as far and fast as possible. it used to be such a good feeling but now it's heavy, and painful , and feels like panic. i miss you so goddamn much i can't stand it. ............ maybe i will get over all of this soon. i wonder what it will be like if i end up not liking you. i wonder if i'll hate you even. i sure do miss you. ............ why did you even feel like you needed to force yourself to have feelings for me? what the fuck? and why the fuck are you sitting in my lap right now? i don't know what the hell is going on with you ever. you are so fucking confusing all of the time. this is 100% you. i have been totally and completely appropriate with you in every way. you've even actually been mean to me a little. i should probably go. i'm not trying to get all into this shit again knowing in advance that you don't have feelings for me. like i'm not that retarded. okay yes i am. i cannot stand myself. i would let you use the fuck out of me”
to be contd.