final thoughts....
i feel like i should add at this time that i know that you don't love me or feel anything significant for me. i can think of a hundred reasons why you would come back to me that have nothing to do with emotions the time period in those journal excerpts are from november to december of last year and that was a really difficult time for me. alot was happening and i didn't handle it well. this time will be better.
it's going to be better but it won't be easy. it can't be easy.... because i never lied to you and everything i expressed toward you was genuine. in one of those entries i wondered what it was like to be loved the way i loved you and it must, to a degree, be a very good and comforting feeling. it would have to be to cloud your judgement. it suppose it's the same with the feeling i got from loving you and being in your presence. it absolutely made me fucking stupid. being away from you is painful and so sad and i think alot of that is my mind clearing up. i hate seeing things i should have seen before. i hate being here.