part 5
“Like you were sending me breakup songs very early in the second wave of dating, I didn't ask you to be there. I had already moved the fuck on bro. i was seeing someone else, i had already gone through my sad crying over you fucking nights. it's okay though. actually it's not okay. you knew before you broke up with me that you were not even into me and you still allowed me to further develop and deepen my feelings for you. well fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you. i'm so pissed at you for being so careless with my feelings. when you said “i love you” you knew it wasn't true.
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do you know how stupid i feel. all that time i thought we were having these intimate like moments and you weren't even looking at me... you were doing shit in your browser and reading manga the whole time. i felt so unbelievably dumb and embarassed when i found that out. those moments were fundamental building blocks of the relationship for me and they weren't even real. i don't suppose any of that matters anymore
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and having empathy for people involves treating them in a way that's best for them. if you treat people based on how it makes you feel it's definitely not empathy based
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once i knew you didn't have feelings for me anymore why did you decide to lie about it, refuse to answer me for five days, and only come around to drink and avoid me? was it your plan to trigger a spiral or did the idea develop over those days? I find it so unsexy when a person can't take responsibility for their behavior and even more so when they are duplicitous and shift blame to the technically wronged party.
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and you. i didn't want to rush into a committed and close long term relationship with a 29 year old in canada so you can fuck off on that one. ESPECIALLY the second time around. i find it hard to believe that someone who knows me and is supposed to care about me could just ignore me for three fucking days without feeling anything yet here we are again, night after night.
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i feel like this is where i should end this book. i also feel like i should just toss it in a fire somewhere. you don't care about any of this even if i'm dead you probably won't read it and i don't care anymore. turns out i don't need you. there was a time when i wanted you to want me so bad. the pain in my chest was unbearable bro. it literally almost killed me. and you're just cooling. like this is 100% a rachel issue. “you have to eat vegetables” TF? i eat tf out of vegetables.
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and fuck you. i do still miss you goddamnit. if you asked me to stay the night i don't know if i could go. i am still so disappointed. not so much mad anymore, but definitely disappointed.
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i don't believe you when you say you don't have the same feelings for me. there is a lie here somewhere. i just don't know what it is. it doesn't really matter anymore. in the end you didn't actually choose me after all. you're the first person i ever thought for sure would have.
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i don't guess any of this matters anymore. im just writing to get it all out of my brain but it never fucking goes anywhere really. how the fuck do i unlove you?