“Whoever abandoned you in the middle of the ocean has no right to know what the sharks did to you or how you made it to the shore.”

i wrote a book about you once. i almost sent it to you and changed my mind. there is a lot of pain in these pages and it's mine. it's the only thing of you that i have to hold on to. now i'm the one leaving. i've given you so many pieces of me to hold on to if you miss me and i think you will. i think you love me. i think this will hurt you. maybe i'm wrong. i won't ever know for sure. you won't tell me.

i'm not sending you the book, but i will share parts of it with you here.

Part 1 immediately after breaking up “i actually cannot fucking stand this goddamn feeling. if we had this crazy inexplicable connection that we both could not ignore how could the severing of it be anything but visceral and agonal? i didn't choose this so why do i feel like the only thing I can do is submerge myself in it? There is nothing i want to do. no place i want to be. i can't eat or sleep. i simply exist. ....... i wonder at the fairness of having to be the one who puts all of this to rest when i was not the one who pulled the trigger. it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened to me. so many memories left to me... so many memories i have to carry with me until i finally leave this place and we are all released into the cosmos.
.............. how can your absence be such a heavy weight on me? how does the pressure of nothing steal my breath and cause my chest to burn? god, i love you so much. ........ when i read through our old messages i saw very early on when i told you i was falling in love with you. what did you think i fucking meant? have you not ever been in love before? did you think i was lying? ........ i wonder what it's like for cherry . i'm not exactly sure how she became the one to sit beside me on this shit fucking journey. i barely knew her the first time i showed up crying. she has seen me cry every day i've gotten online since then. she reminds me of my mom. sweet, soft unassuming voice. if anyone else other than me knows how i'm feeling its her. ...... i honestly wish this hadn't all happened. I was okay with not knowing how it felt to be picked only to get dumped two days later. i was okay not knowing how any of this felt. it kind of sucks. ...... i miss you so much. i miss everything about you. i miss the sound of your breath and hearing about your day. your voice steady and soothing as you tell me all of the things that matter to you. what a foolishly girly notion to think i might have been in your arms for the rest of my life. i wonder what its like to be loved in the same way that i have loved you. probably terrifying, possibly wonderful. ....... blah blah blah when will this dumb shit end? I DON'T WANT TO MISS YOU ANYMORE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ............ i'm already so tired of this. it's been more than three weeks. i wish i could do it. i'm so tired of missing you. i wish i could just choose myself over you. i can't. i don't fucking want to.”

to be contd.