part 4
“super rude of you to stand so close to me and look at me that way. rude of you to have to audacity to look for me in a room. rude of you to scold me for believing shit that you also believe. do you think you're the first ever person who thought they wanted me and who changed their mind once they got me? why would just sit here and say a bunch of nice crap and think that it holds any weight whatsoever in the shadows of everything else you've said recently? i don't know. you don't make a whole lot of sense and you keep blaming it on me. i wish you wouldnt get so fucking close to my face. i feel like i can't breathe or think. i think i'm going to be sick. god i love you so much. fuck you. just fuck you. ............. what the actual fuck are we doing here? what am i... i don't know. i don't think i will ever give this to you unless we break up for real or i die. it's so fucking messy and I repeat myself alot and you hate to read in general but especially the shit i type and did i mention that i repeat myself at least 46 times? i'm looking at you across the room and i have no idea what you think. maybe i'm just seriously dumb as fuck. it's probably me. i fell like i'm always an issue everywhere i go. a thing in the room that people tiptoe around or try to avoid altogether. like i make everyone uncomfortable without even doing anything and people low key wish i wasn't there. ............ really wish i had been born normal or to a slightly normal family or even just one kind of normal parent or had one single consistent normal person in my life or someone had held me as a baby or hugged me as a child. id be someone totally different today. ........... i wonder why it feels like we have all this chemistry but it's really just all in my head. i wonder if i'm losing my mind. i think it would freak you out to know how much i talk to you here. even when i'm with you i'm writing in this book. i really feel a whole lot for you and it's annoying to me too for sure ............. You knoW WHAT? 90% of the time when i'm being self deprecating it's a matter of fact. you really have some nerve getting so mad at me when you yourself can't stand to be around me too much, you ignore me like it's second nature, you hate me messages, and you aren't even worried when i'm gone for over a week. It's like this with every single person. everyone likes me in the beginning. i'm impulsive, fun, curious, hyperfocused on the person, a flurry of activity and learning about each other and late nights and so many good times. it's amazing and then it becomes exhausting because unfortunately that is who the fuck i am all the time...no fronting. and the more attached we get the more difficult it all gets. i'm broken and its the kind of broken that crushes anyone that tries to support it's weight. it's the kind of broken that will take everything you love about me and shoot them into your eyes and ears like darts until you start visibly cringing when you hear my voice or i walk into a room. i've been through this so many times....i've never not been through it...even with my own parents ffs .............. how the fuck is the only thing we seem to do anymore to fight? ............... i think you do in fact love me. or maybe i'm just a fucking dumb ass. maybe its only when youre drinking or when you're not drinking. i don't know. i think that has to be the reason you won't let me go. i think it's why you're mean and distant for no reason. i think it activates your fight or flight mode and then you panic. and as soon as i leave you alone you engage with me immediately. ............. god this hurts like hell. i hate fighting with you and i hate being with you and i hate not being with you. i can't stop looking at the picture you took of us last night. ............. i showed ecchy the picture and told him what was going on. he said i should talk to you. i was going to until you yeeted me. nah.... not now ....... this morning i am feeling like i'm ready to start letting go of you. its been so many weeks since we broke up and i'm finally feeling better a little bit. god i can't believe i feel this way about you. how the hell could i have such strong feelings so fast?